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OCTOBER 1999
Success Harmony Newsletter
IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO GAIN WITHOUT LOSING
It is impossible to change while remaining the same. It is impossible to gain something new without losing something old and oh-so-familiar.
When I was leaving law, people were often asking me "why do you want to LOSE all the years you spent In law school?" This was a tough question. I didn't see my decision as a decision designed to lose something. If I stayed, it would have been out of the desire for security, not out of love for being a lawyer. By leaving, I wasn't losing. I was gaining a great opportunity to find out what made me tick, what I loved, and how that could contribute to the world. Sure, in the short term, I was losing the security of a steady (and not-so-bad) paycheque. In the long term, I was gaining the ability to make a living (at least as good as the one I left) COMBINED with doing meaningful work.
Great meaning is seldom found in holding on to the old for no reason other than it being safe. Going to the next level ALWAYS includes leaving something behind. Some things are easy to leave and others are tough. The question always is "what do you want more? What you have in front of you now or what lies ahead of you?" Scary to decide? Yes. The benefit of saying good-bye to what no longer serves us? A full, rich life that will have few regrets at its end - for us and for those around us!
DO YOU HAVE WHAT I WANT - DO I HAVE WHAT YOU WANT?
In many situations, it is possible to find common ground even where it doesn't seem possible. The classic situation is in the exchange of money.
A customer wants and genuinely needs a service but cannot afford it. The salesperson can do one of two things. Either, she can say "sorry, Mr. Potential Customer, go away because you can't afford what I sell" or she can ask "what else, other than money, do you have that I could take instead?"
The point in this in NOT to discount, the point is to find common ground at another level. Maybe this customer has no money but has 50 friends who also want and need the product - but also have money to buy. Maybe enlisting this customer to refer these 50 friends offsets the salesperson's marketing costs and justifies selling to that customer for far less. Although this looks like a discount, it isn't. The customer won because he got what he needed without going broke. The salesperson won because she got access to a market that would have been costly and time-consuming to reach.
This "value-based" approach goes beyond simple compromises. It creates value for both that is greater than what each had to begin with. It works in sales, for families, and in the workplace. Above all, it feels great!
In my coaching, as well as in my own life, I have observed again and again that happiness is a natural outcome of removing certain blocks. In other words, we can't chase happiness, it is something that finds us when we are not blocking it.
Being stuck in any area of life is what blocks the natural flow of happiness. The interesting thing is that it doesn't matter where the block is, it will still affect the whole. All parts of the system affect the big picture. In the body, it doesn't really matter if the heart isn't working, or if the skin is itchy with allergies. Either will shut down the entire body, to a smaller or larger extent.
The same applies in life. Everything affects everything else. A bad relationship at work affects the environment at home. Lack of satisfaction at home or at work eventually leads to disease or stress in the body. It pays to clean up any and all blocks. The genuine happiness is worth the work!
To me, negotiations of any sort are really fascinating. Often uncomfortable but always fascinating. There are three rules that I have noticed which seem to be at play no matter what the negotiation is for:
1) If you need the outcome, you're likely to make a bad deal. If you really want the deal to go through, write a list of how you will do fine without it - before you talk!
2) If the other side respects you, you're likely to get a good deal sooner. If the other side trusts you, the deal is likely to last. Posturing and ultimatums may work in the short term but not in the long term.
3) If you give in because you are "trying to be nice" or to give very cheap services, you may have lost the respect of the other person and they will walk all over you. It is important to maintain clear boundaries and be willing to walk if they are crossed.
WORK BACKWARDS TO REACH YOUR GOALS
In our society, it is quite common for us to set goals and informal wishes. "I want to increase my income by 50% in the next 2 months". "I want to lose 100 pounds in the next 4 months". "I want to find the man of my life". "I want to increase my customer base by 100 every month for the next year." "I want to have more balance in my life". Unfortunately, the dream often goes unfulfilled. Why is that?
Based on my experience, goals don't go unfulfilled because people are lazy. In fact, often the opposite is true. I do find, however, that what lacks is the clarity around achieving that goal. It's like "me today" is standing on one side of the river, "me as I want to be" is standing on the other side of the river, and there is a river to cross. There is no bridge and I don't know how to swim. I stare across the river for a while hoping for a canoe to show up to take me across. When it doesn't, I go home.
It is important to know where you are today and what resources you already have available to you. It is also important to know, as specifically as possible, what the other side will be like. Most important of all, however, is building the bridge to take us across. How do we do that?
The easiest path known to me is to find out how others have built their bridges before us. If you are trying to lose weight, find someone who has lost about the same amount of weight that you want to lose, in about the same amount of time that you are targeting. If you want to make three times as much as you make now, talk to people who are already making that income. Ask them for specific steps that they took on their journey. If they lost weight, what did they eat? Did they exercise? How often? How much? If they increased their income, what SPECIFICALLY did they do that differs from what you are doing?
Success, to my great initial surprise, is duplicatable. So is lack of success. We have a choice whose path we follow. Choose and build your bridge across!
PAVLA'S QUOTABLE QUOTES
Life is one giant paradox. Giving always precedes receiving. Courage only comes after facing an obstacle. Avoiding fear causes more fear. Avoiding a conflict only makes the conflict worse. Cleaning up a mess first makes the mess bigger. I guess that when we want something, we just have to do the opposite from what makes sense.
"Saying "thank you" triggers more kindness. In the workplace, the most common complaint I hear is "nobody appreciates me and my work, I only hear from people when I do something wrong". The most amazing results seem to happen when we say "thank you" to the grumpiest people around - somehow they seem to transform into a better person because we believed in them."
Pavla Michaela Polcarova,
Power Thoughts Journal